sweet like toothache pain.

I had the day off. I spent it slothfully. I wasn't dressed until ten to five. I finished a book. I went to dinner. I popped into work and made a few lattes for fun.

I moved my floor fan into my cloffice. I keep thinking it's a person. A lot. This conversation keeps happening:

Me: "Aaaaaaah!"
Fan: " ..."

Twenty minutes later

Me: "Auuugh!"
Fan: "..."


And so on. Rinse Repeat. You get it. I get scared by inanimate objects so easily.
I am really awake right now. Normally at eleven thirty these days I'm seriously on the wind down. This isn't the summer. I am not superman. If I'm at work at seven twenty, I want to be in bed shortly after midnight. Thankfully I work the evening shift tomorrow. So I have a little buffer for my sloth-induced wakefulness.

What have I been thinking about?

Hearts and heartbreak. The heart as an organ. The heart as an emotional and spiritual site. Heartbeats as sound.

I've been thinking a lot about running away. I guess I always get swept up in ideas of escape and adventure (I was the kid who wanted to join the circus). Lately I think I'll just buy a vespa, wait till the snow melts and just screw off somewhere. This is unlikely. I like my life here. I feel a responsibility to the community I've made myself a part of.

Jesus. I miss the man. I have to find a way to make him part of my life again. I just don't really know how to do it in a genuine way. I resent the term backsliding. It's an infantile term. I dont think I've backslidden. I think God and I have hit a period of silence in an ongoing relationship. I would like to have words between us again.